Twenty, it’s been twenty whole months of us being away and keeping ourselves comfortable in distance. Holding a bunch of withered flowers we exchanged since your last birthday is the only way I could hold onto memories we made between the numbered days. I have been having a hard time adjusting over my own decision to deny my own feelings, to stop trying, and to count on the stupid predestination. Standing right in front of your door but never being able to knock or ring the bell was the long struggle I’ve been in.
There’s none of us to blame, still. Indecisive was our middle name, and taking the wrong choice is what we’re always good at. Most of the time we just give signs and hope that one can understand while the fact is, we keep making the same mistake over and over again yet none of us have enough courage to fix it. Endless uncertainty was the thing that trapped us for such a long time yet none of us learned from that.
I admit that I have a lot of regrets, and so are you.
We thought letting each other go was the best decision we could make, with an aim to set us both free.
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you.
Longing stares and clandestine meetings are the ones who befriend us. Late-night stroll around the downtown has become part of our habits that we did to seek comfort in each other’s arms.
Love story should be the one that tickles those who listen, making them wonder how amazing it is to have a sweet movie scene as part of realityㅡbut ours didn’t look like that. Ours was like a dull polaroid piece, or a wasted roll of camera film that was accidentally broken and couldn’t be restored.
Videotape that we owned for two was once left abandoned, but I took and fixed it with the hope that one day we can play it again, together. “Enough is enough,”ㅡall those days that filled up with doubt and questions, all those times that passed by silently missing yet avoiding each other, all those rings of missed calls and unreplied messages are enough, now we can stop hiding and breathe some fresh air, record some new memories, creating dozens of new videotapes we will keep for years ahead.
You, and you always are, the one who hits closest to home. On the days I’ve passed with or without your presence, I realize that a small part of my heart has been long taken by you. Upon the shooting stars, I wished for another chance of both of us crossing the exact same crossroad at the exact same time.
Ringing your bell is my act of bravery, and to step inside your heart while opening mine as well is the decision I could eventually dare to take.
I would love to start everything all over again. Going through another rain and storm, I would gladly do it. Hand in hand, together with you.
Tonight, the 5th Avenue seems to finally be friends with us.
